I’ve been thinking a lot about where identity comes from.
For most of my life, I have chosen to focus my identity on what my brain could do, in part because society told me that this was the only part of me that had value. I’m not classically “feminine” but I have one hell of a work ethic, and I pointed myself early on at the pinnacle of challenges for my intellectual interests: getting a Ph.D. and working for NASA. And I achieved success! I “dared mighty things” and knew that “the stars are calling and we must go,” phrases that were touchstones of NASA JPL culture during my tenure there. I’ve told spacecraft at Saturn what to do, organized science teams to explore Mars, and helped to push forward the boundary of human understanding of the solar system. Being a “rocket scientist” (or at least a scientist whose work involved rockets) was a firm hook to hang a sense of self from.
But about five years ago, I began to question this work-based sense of identity. After all, no matter how much emotion and energy I poured into it, no matter how amazing the job at hand, work didn’t love me back. When I wasn’t at work, who was I? Who else could I be? One year ago I decided to take a leap of faith and find out.
A favorite fictional character of mine, Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan of Lois McMaster Bujold’s books, is described thusly: “…reminiscing, she went into this sort of litany about all the things she’d ever been. Like astrocartographer, and explorer, and ship’s captain, and POW, and wife, and mother, and politician …the list went on and on. There was no telling, she said, what she would be next.” [Bujold, Memory]
It’s been a long and very personal road since then. My journey is ongoing, as I walk a path shaped by my health, by family, by a quiet voice inside myself that recognizes that you don’t have to be one thing forever - that the only constant in this life is change.
Here are the parts of my previous career that I am carrying forward: a love of problem-solving, an appreciation for the ephemeral beauty of our solar system and our unique home planet, a desire to share this appreciation with anyone who cares to listen. Here is my new online home: a place to share nature-inspired art as well as stories of explorers and their robots. Welcome! Please take a look around.
I’ve been a research scientist, a spacecraft engineer, and a musician. I continue to be a mother. I wonder who I will be next? I’m excited to find out.
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